Even Super Villains need advice. Hopefully my diary will help…
Starting out as a super villain can be tough. Here’s my diary to help others overcome any problems they may have… (You may want to start from the first entry)
Tuesday, 31st March 1992.
Tomorrow is Fred “The Faker” Acre’s 18th Birthday, and since he wants to be a prankster villain (like the Joker) the house has decided to throw him a surprise costume party with, obviously, a super villain theme.
Hollow Point announced to the entire house that we really needed to clean the place up and it was going to happen tomorrow and everyone was going to help. This is just a ploy to make Freddie sneak out early and not return until it is time for the party.
Wednesday, 1st April 1992.
I heard Freddie sneak out first thing in the morning and got up soon afterwards, to discover that we were actually going to spend the day cleaning. While the idea was to get Freddie out of the house so we could prepare for the
party, the house really need to be cleaned properly to prepare for the party.
When it comes time to do a major clean up you quickly regret not cleaning more often and more thoroughly when the mess is made. For example, if we’d cleaned the crocodile pit a week and half ago when we used it it would have been a lot easier to clean up the mess left than the mess I had to clean up today. Crocodile pits are supposed to be self-cleaning, obviously, but that requires them to contain crocodiles which is something we unfortunately didn’t have the funds to maintain. So the mushy mess from the fall remains. After a week, that mess becomes a stains and really gets quiet a smell.
Hollow Point took a more executive role in the cleaning, since it was her idea she put herself in charge;
distributing chores to everyone and making sure they were done well under threats of violence and lingering death. Hans unveiled his latest creation: a giant robot with one super-charge vacwm on one arm and a disintegration ray on the other and programmed to destroy all mess. Dr Twisto unveiled a protect she’s been working on: an amorphous blob which consumes organic matter and grows larger when it does, thus, she pointed out, reducing cleaning times exponentially. Unfortunately, while Twisto and Hans were arguing over whose creation was the better cleaner, Twisto’s blob got in the way of Hans’s robot’s vacwm arm and was sucked up. Sparks went everywhere and the robot roared and smashed its way out of the house and disappeared before we could chase it. Byron was in his room until
nearly midday and when it was pointed out that he hadn’t done his share of the rapidly increasing workload he revealed that he new we’d need help and that’s why he picked up a couple of cleaners last night who he was sure would be happy repay him for the night they’d had by cleaning the house for us.
What I thought was an uncleanable mess was quickly cleaned by the three women in sexy maid outfits. When they’d finished Byron told them they’d done such a good job they could keep the outfits, he had plenty more.
I dressed as the most evil thing I could think of – a clown designed to help sell burgers to children – and headed out to wait for the guests with the others. Hans said he’d developed a chameleon suit that read the wearer’s thoughts and reproduced their perfect costume,
allowing constant changes to anything the wearing could imagine. When I pointed out to Hans that he seemed to be wearing his normal clothes, he admitted he didn’t have much imagination when it came to costumes and so the suit was stuck on him normally. Dr Twisto came out in her usual lab coat, and when I questioned this she pointed out that she had come as an evil medical doctor, not an evil medical scientist. Byron also looked like he normally does, and when I pointed out he’d come dressed as himself he just winked and said he knew. Hollow Point, was dressed in a tight white leather catsuit, unzipped to the waist. I mentioned to her, that like the others she was dressed as herself, but she noted that she always wears a tight black leather catsuit unzipped to the waist, not white.
As time for the guests to arrive approached and then passed we became worried that no one would come. Eventually I remembered that when I’d finished cleaning the crocodile pit I’d accidentally reactivated it and went out and deactivated it. Oh well, another big cleaning job tomorrow, I guess.
Freddie arrived soon after, and the five of us yelled surprise and were quite surprised to find that he was already in costume: A mask, red-stained boilersuit and matching cane knife. We asked how he knew to come in costume, he said he didn’t. It was just a coincidence.
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Note: The above is taken from my actual diary written at the time. Some of the names have been changed to protect the evil. For example the name “Freddie ‘The Faker’ Acre” is being used, at his own request, to replace the name of the villain “Fred ‘The Faker’ Acre” so, in his own words “no one will suspect it’s based on me.”