How to be a super villain… using online classifieds.
The death of the newspaper [I was in the planning meetings orchestrating the downfall of print. While I objected to the idea in principle, it was an important step in a larger plan with I feel made it worthwhile] has unfortunately led to to the demise of Super Villain Classifieds. Happily, a large number of evil villains and fascist dictators have been captured and are awaiting trial in the International Criminal Court in Holland. As such they have a lot of time on their hands and a lot of internet access in their cells, and have been volunteering to run a new website which will replace the old paper classifieds (and even digitising and archiving old ads).
Apathetic Security Guard.
Bored and totally uninterested security guard wanted to sit around getting a paycheck and well, that’s about it. Certainly not expected to put any effort into check ID or badges or anything.
Mouthpiece wanted for Evil Corporation to justify acts of evil, blame victims of said act and to blame government officials for allowing acts to happen. Must be able to lie with a straight face and have no conscious about covering up acts of pure evil. Experience as spokesperson for any large corporation or government agency sufficient.
No experience? No qualifications? No body fat? Exactly 1.83 meters tall? Men or flat-chested women of average build wanted who can exactly fit in pre-molded plastic armour and march in formation. Must be able to look out for low door frames. Must have own life insurance.
John “Trip-J” Reynolds.
(22nd July 1994 – 15th June 2015)
John Jonathon Reynolds Jr, son of journalist “John Jon” Reynolds Sr and nephew of millionaire Rudolph Reynolds will be lain to rest on Thursday. John Jon Jr’s body was found in the burnt out remains of Captain Khaotik III’s Khaos Car, which crashed while being chased by the Human Spider. It’s is assumed that Captain Khaotik III had kidnapped John Jon Jr. CK3 himself seemed to have escaped the crash and fled. John Jon Jr is survived by his recent bride Sally.
Fred “The Faker” Acre.
(1st April 1974 – 13th June 2015)
The family, friends and foes of Fred Acre are invited to attend the funeral of Fred “The Faker” Acre on Wednesday the 17th of June 2015. Fred was killed while fighting Lt Col Danger, being hit by the beam of a deathray and disintegrated while standing on the platform of his teleportation device. In lieu of flowers for this once again tragic and clearly permanent death, please donate to the Genius Eradication Taskforce Awareness Weaponers And Yachties fund.
Entire Death Squad
A memorial will be held for all the members of Sila Blade’s Death Squad (except for Member #3) who were quickly and messily dispatched by a single masked assailant armed with ninja skills and a pair of ceremonial swords while attending a gathering to commemorate the death of Member #3 at the Hotel Revengeance. It will be a day to remember these family men and cold blooded killers and to ponder the message written on the hotel wall in their blood “You’re next Silas”
A successful Death-Ray engineer was last seen some time in February wearing thigh-high leather boots, a deflecto-helm and black cape with fur trim with scarlet silk lining on his way to a meeting with Dr Ursula Gunn. Anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of Damian should follow the link below with the location and condition of the cape and helmet when last seen.
Finder of Tan Briefcase
To the person who advertised that they found a tan and ticking briefcase: sorry we have been unable to contact you. We would like to meet to exchange the case you found with yours which was picked up by mistake. Please meet us in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave at exactly 10:33am on the 17 July. Do not be late.
Save “Mutie” Charity Swim
A charity swim in Doomstar Bay this Sunday. All proceeds will go to the Save “Mutie the Giant Mutant Octopus” Fund, a group dedicated to preventing the hunting and culling of this gentle beast and unofficial mascot of out little community. We’re looking for competitors, sponsors or people willing to volunteer their time to help run this worthwhile event.
EMPLOYMENT: Conventional Security Guard.
Ordinary Everyday Security Guard wanted to watch major building at night. Successful applicant will have own flashlight, a portable television to watch instead of doing duty and naivety about what’s actually going on in the building.
FOUND: Someone’s Left Hand.
Found by railway tracks between New York and Washington. If this is your hand or you know who it belongs to please contact me urgently as it is turning a funny color.
PERSONALS: Emotionally Available?
Intelligent 5’4 28YO Female Death Ray Engineer with great personality seeks well-adjusted fun-loving man who doesn’t have emotional issues that cause him to shut themselves off from true feelings. ALA. Contact Ursula.
Do a poll on my blogs.
Want advice on being a Super Villain? Ask A Super Villain.
More Classified Ads.