Even Super Villains need advice. Ask an expert, Ask a Super Villain…
Today’s letter was again posted as a comment the initial Ask a Super Villain post on this blog:
As a Super Villain of some renown I know everything there is about being a super villain, and I’m here to help you with advice…
… unfortunately, I’m in hospital at the moment due to an unfortunate encounter with a death ray. As you may recall from last week’s Ask A Super Villain I’d arranged a meeting with Dr Ursula Gunn, the original designer of my Death Ray. Before doing so, I thought I’d check out progress on it since she left. I was just testing the Rant Platform (the raised position in front of the gun so that you can tell the tied up hero your plan to destroy the world with the weapon perfectly framed behind you) when Death Ray Engineer Damien Urkhart-Giles accidentally swung the weapon around knocking me off the platform onto the floor 12 stories below. Now, sure, this is what’s meant to happen, but not in rehearsal. We didn’t even have the air-mattress false-floor and fake-dead-body dispenser ready. Long story short, I’ve ended up in hospital with a broken tib-fib in my right leg. Damien volunteered to take my place meeting Ursula. In fact, I think he came up with the idea. It’s all a bit blurry. All I really recall is slipping in and out of consciousness while Damien stole my clothes and cackled something about surprising Ursula.
Anyway, I can’t really answer this question from the hospital bed. Well, I could. In fact, I have much more time to do so than normal. However, I don’t have any form of driver’s license and rent all my vehicles from an evil car rental agency: Hurts Rent-A-Car.
So, instead of answering your question myself, I’m getting the guy that I deal with at Hurts to help you with the question:
First up, I should tell you rather than equipping and maintaining your own vehicle, can I recommend long-term rental instead? I know I sound like I’m pushing my own company here, but there are a number of other evil car rental agency out there beside Hurts Rent-A-Car: Filthy Rent-A-Car; Viscount Car Rental; the Car Indenture Agency; and the Mastermind, Anti-Hero and Terrorist Car Hire.
Looking at your question you mention Jason Bourne and James Bond. That’s quite a range of car to keep up with – from stolen vehicles to top of the line vehicles from whichever manufacturer is paying Bond the most to drive their cars at the moment. Some second-hand rust-bucket stolen from a roadside is easy to outrun (and it’s also what you get if you rent from Filthy Rent-A-Car) And you specifically mention wanting to “outrun” the hero, but we all know what you really want: Weapons and gadgets.
Like most things it’s a balancing act. You want an good Evil Mechanic not an evil Good Mechanic. One who’ll help you commit acts of unspeakable evil, but won’t rip you off. Sort of like you don’t want a rental car company that will rip you off (like Viscount Car Rental do).
Some people say that you need to look for the same qualities in a mechanic as you do in a Doctor or Dentist: a medical degree and a spotless white coat. And while those are the most important qualities you want in a mechanic, you also want them to be trustworthy and reliable, something to avoid with doctors and dentists.
Anyway, the first thing you’d do is avoid manufacturer-certified mechanics. Sure, this may void your warranty, but while manufactures are great at designing cars, they’re just no good at designing things to kill people (With the obvious exception of General Motors.) If, however, you feel you must stick to parts and service certified by the manufacturer buy from a German manufacturer. They just better at making weapons.
However, there are other certifications that you do want to look out for; certifications from various Evil Automobile organisations: Excellent Vehicle Independent Licencee certification, the Worse Business Bureau awards, Villaincare Roadside Assistance guarantees or recommendation or certifications from AAA. Not only to such certifications guarantee quality, but they also reduce the chances of a government organisations creating fronts to capture evildoers <cough> the Car Indenture Agency </cough>.
Next, do some research. The internet is a great tool, which allows anyone with a grunge to semi-anonymously bad mouth even the best business, where you can pay for fake accounts to promote and recommend your services and there are sites that allow business to pay extra to control comments on their company. So the internet is a great resource for finding out which Evil Mechanic you should choose.
Always know what weapons and gadgets you want before you go and if possible send a female accomplice to deal with Evil Mechanics. Males are easily swayed by the suggests of bigger rocket launchers, HUD targeting and coffee-making systems and speed holes. The type of expensive unnecessary additions that the Mastermind, Anti-Hero and Terrorist Car Hire use.
One last piece of advice, if speed is really what you’re after use aviation fuel. It’ll give you the speed you desire, and as an added advantage you car will explode any time it crashes.
So there you go, Andrew, I hope your new car and martial arts training puts you in good form for becoming a super villain.