Even Super Villains need advice. Ask an expert, Ask a Super Villain…
Today’s letter was again posted as a comment the initial Ask a Super Villain post on this blog:
As a Super Villain of some renown I know everything there is about being a super villain, and I’m here to help you with advice…
… but I’m not really sure of the super villain connection here. You haven’t said if you, he or his ex are the super villain. So I’m going to have to cover all three eventualities. However, despite the fact that I know everything there is about being a super villain, I have, to further my career as a super villain lived a life devoid of human emotions, so I’ve gone to others to bring you your advice…
If he’s a super villain:
[I went to my go-to-girl for this sort of thing Dr Ursula Gunn, only to be reminded that she’d left my employ some time ago. Fortunately her old assistant Damien Urkhart-Giles volunteered to do it for me.]
Trust me, I know how you feel. Seeing the person you love pining after someone they cannot have. Even when they finally see that nothing can come of their love and quit, they’re still pining for that person. You have to make sure that, even though you’re no longer working together, you keep in touch, even if it is just so they can get you to smuggle pieces of the death-ray you were working on together too them for a “personal project.” And never give up: that string of totally unsuitable men she met through the personals will never be what she wants. She’ll value the one person who stuck by her the entire time, following her like a lost puppy.
If his ex a super villain:
[Since this about emotions and stuff, I figured a female super villain would be the best to answer this. So I got an old female super villain friend to see if she could help (Name Withheld to Protect Her Identity)]
Kill her. Obviously, don’t use any of your trademark techniques or any of your known henchmen, you don’t want her associating you with his death. And then swoop in and be there for him when he falls apart emotionally. Then manipulating him into being your love slave.
Unless he’s one of my exes. By all means, you can try. But failure will be fatal.
If you’re a super villain:
[I finally got hold of Ursula, who sent this reply]
Oh no you don’t. Don’t bring me any of this “someone might still love you” garbage. I know the mind games you’re playing. But it won’t work. This ends and it end now. Meet me outside the old abandoned observatory (the one with the telescope that now looks like a death-ray.) There’s a nice spot to meet out the front, right near the burnt remains of a dummy dressed as you. You can’t miss it. I know I can’t. It’ll be a blast.
So there you go. Three answers for the price of one. Hopefully one of them fills your needs. Unless both you and he are super villains. Or you and he. Or he and her. Or all three. I guess they will probably still apply. Anyway, I’m off to meet Ursula.
~ Doom’s Unending Guardian