Even Super Villains need advice. Ask an expert, Ask a Super Villain…
Today’s letter comes from a private message on Tumblr (which it turns out isn’t Batman’s vehicle in Batman Begins – Batman’s billionaire backer could afford the extra “e.”):
As a Super Villain of some renown I know everything there is about being a super villain, and I’m here to help you with advice…
… but as I have previously mentioned, I have, to further my career as a Super Villain lived a life devoid of human emotions, so I went to the person I went to last time a question like this came up, Dr Ursula Gunn, who left my employ some time ago but I was able to track down via the tracking devise I have embedded in the skulls of all my hireling, and this was the reply to the message I sent her about your (and your brother’s) problem.
What is this? Some attempt to hurt me more than you already have? Some sick and twisted attempt to mock my pain?
I know you know I loved you. Just as I know that you had feelings for me despite your claims of not experiencing normal human emotions. I mean, come on, it was obvious that you just wanted to see as much as I wanted to see you – there could be no other explanation for those regular meetings to discuss why the Destructo-Canon project was falling further and further behind schedule and why money from the budget was mysteriously disappearing. Why else would you send me that box of chocolates (you know the ones that arrived when I wasn’t home and my flatmate thought were for and died of a mostly likely unrelated poisoning.) Why else would you have, in a fit of obvious jealousy, sent your trained assassins to kill the computer expert from my department who was always borrowing my computer and password and suddenly started wearing expensive suits and driving his brand new Ferrari Enzo to and from work. Like those things would make me like him more than you.
But then I saw you with her. Her, tied to a chair in next to nothing while you found any excuse to touch her obviously surgery enhanced body with that electric cattle prod. And later when her “boyfriend” turned up to “rescue” her leading to her jumping into your arms and leaving you both rolling around on the floor together.
So, yes, I know exactly how hurt, betrayed and worthless the brother in this letter feels. How much he wants to lash out at himself and anyone who loves him and he loves, even family and friends. I know how it feels to want to get the anger out by punching the walls until your outsides hurt as much as your insides. I know how it feels to want to push everyone who you value away so they can’t hurt you to. I know how it feels to try to find a relationship via a series of ads in a sleazy Super Villain Classified personal comment and the emptiness of the relationships you find there. I know. And I know that you sent this letter to remind me of that pain. To hurt me again.
But you can’t. The pain didn’t go away, but it softened. It stopped being the center of my life and I was able to move on. Not immediately, and not easily, but eventually and having the people I tried to push away still be there for me and show me that I was loved and valued was an important part of that process.
So, I’m not going to answer your letter from “someone wanting advice” because I see it for what it is, yet another power trip to stroke your ego.
So, there you go, I’m sure that Dr Gunn’s advice was just as good as last time and solved all your problems, and if I every end up trying emotions I’ll find time to actually read it myself. Personally, I suggest getting your hands on the controls of an Orbital Laser Platform for 24 hours. Nothing quite relieves anger and frustration like random death from above. But that’s just me. Hope things work out for your brother and you continue to have fun with the archaeology or body snatching or whatever it is that you do…
~ Doom’s Unending Guardian.