Even Super Villains need advice. The personal diary of a Super Villain should help…
For those starting out as a Super Villain, the road ahead can seem tough, so here are pages from my personal diary, helping you learn from my experience and showing you how easy it can be.
How weird it is looking back at my own past. When I first got this diary, I still thought my parents were just a pair of normal people. It’s probably because, being evil geniuses, they carefully blended into their surrounds and gave be a completely normal life.
Sunday, 27 May 1990
Got this diary for my birthday. I can’t really think of anything to write in it now, but I’m look forward to writing in it every day.
Monday, 31 December 1990
It’s New Year’s Eve and my first resolution is to write in this diary every day and to stop doing that thing I do each night. I know it helps me sleep, but it’s meant to be immoral.
Saturday, 8 June 1991
I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep. There’s a strange whirring noise that’s keeping me awake. I remember the regularly hearing the same noise when I was a small child. I couldn’t sleep because it reminded me the recurring dream I had as a child. In the dream I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. In the dream I fell in
love with a cartoon chopper-style motorbike with a freaky face instead of a headlight. I told it that I loved it, but it just brushed me off. Then a tornado came, making the whirring noise. In the twister, Wizard of Oz-style their was a cow. And the cow had the chopper’s face. It’s at that point that I’d wake up. And when I’d awake I’d still hear the noise and I’d be terrified to go back to sleep. Now it’s happening again. Dad always said it was the TV antenna.
Sunday, 9 June 1991
Unable to get to sleep last night. That noise was keeping me up again, so instead of sleeping I searched the house. Not the moat, of course, not since the time I saw one of the armed gardeners who patrolled the property get dragged, screaming, into it by a crocodile. It wasn’t coming from the rocket launch pad in the back yard. The laser beam emitters that line the hallway to dad’s office, setting off alarms if tripped, give out a low hum, not a whirring noise. I did discover a noise coming from the garage, but it was just dad’s mechanic adapting one of the cars so it could turn into
a boat. There’s nothing I could find that you wouldn’t find in any house. Certainly nothing that could have been making the whirring noise.
Monday, 10 June 1991
Continued my search tonight. Since I’d tried almost everywhere else, I figured I’d listen at the wall marked the big sign on it the “This is not a door. It is especially not the door to a secret lab.”
Turns out the sign was wrong, because when I touched it the wall opened into a secret lab. In the lab there were shelves and shelves of chemicals. There was a big sarcophagus looking thing in the corner. There were cages with monkeys and other animals in them. In the middle of the lab, Mother and Father were at a bench doing unspeakable things. I left, quickly and quietly, hoping that they never knew I was there. With what I saw, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep again, with or without the whirring noise.
Tuesday, 11 June 1991
Today, Mother and Father spent the day looking embarrassed and had trouble making eye contact with me. I think they know I say them last night. And every time I see them, it reminds me of the true horror of what I saw. I guess every child knows that their parents did that. After all, we wouldn’t be here without it. But seeing it. Seeing it was something else. Seeing it make it real. At least father was in a diaper so I didn’t have to see everything.
Wednesday, 12 June 1991
My parents called me now to the breakfast table and told me they knew that I’d been into the secret lab behind the wall that isn’t a door. I didn’t say anything, but they told me it was OK, and it was about time that I knew that Father was a Mad Scientist and Mother was a Super Villain. This was a shock that couldn’t get past. I was dumbfounded. How could I have had no idea that this was going on? Why weren’t there any signs? I pretended to be all knowing and that I’d already guess and said that I knew because of the whirring sound. Father said that that’s just the wind in the TV antenna.